How to Succeed in Blogland (Without Really Trying)

I do not do memes.

Let me repeat, I do NOT do memes. However, one of my very favorite people (and fellow blogger) Mary at Resident Alien tagged me with this meme, so I find I can't help myself. She flattered me as well, telling me she was hoping to prod me into posting more adventures. What she doesn't realize is that posting this relieves some of the guilt and pressure I was feeling to post, so now I can relax for a few days! HA!

Roolz 4 R33ly Gr8 Blogging:

1. Use L33T-speak whenever possible (see above). Everyone will then realize you are uber-cool and not just a bored, middle-aged military wife.
   
2. When you really want to emphasize something, make each word its Own. Fragmentary. Sentence. For example: "I may not post often, but I think about posting All. The. Time."
   
3. White text on a black background shows that you are uber-hip, and also that you are very serious about writing just for yourself. Your audience will feel special if they think you are blogging for Serious Reasons, not just for popularity. This -- despite the headaches caused by trying to read the tiny white letters on the heavy black background -- should make you more popular which is, after all, the reason you blog in the first place!
   
4. Use as many acronyms as pseduonyms as possible. Readers love to feel "in the know" as they read your blog, smug in the knowledge that they are part of the priviledged few who've been around long enough to know that LexHBBS is actually "Loser Ex-Husband's Bitchy Boss' Secretary." This technique has the added benefit of forcing new readers to sift through your archives, trying to decipher your current posts.
   
5. Fill your blogroll with the coolest of the cool, as if they were all close personal friends. Forget your real friends -- no one knows who they are! If your blogroll doesn't start with Dooce, Amalah and Perez Hilton, you're a loser. (Edited to add: I don't hate these A-listers. I enjoy reading Amalah occasionally, though I'm not much of a Dooce fan. I'm just speaking to the practice of filling one's blogroll with ONLY A-list bloggers, as if you never read any other blogs, or as if you are trying to prove you are one of them by association.)
   
6. Never write long blog posts. Only nerds and mouthbreathing eggheads want to read actual text in the first place, so you can rest assured that no one wants to make the effort to read more than a paragraph or two. But post every day, even if you have nothing to say except whining about how unfair life is (to you, of course) or describing your child's gastrointestinal processes in graphic detail.
   
7. Beg for comments. Whine for comments. Plead for comments. After all, comments are how you know if you are popular. But...if anyone ever leaves you less than absolute and fawning praise in a comment, take big offense and ensure that your next post is a snarky and sarcastic diatribe against the offender.

There, with tongue firmly in cheek. How's that, Mary? Actually, I had fun! I tag...umm...Liz and Lori.