Monday, October 01, 2007

How to Succeed in Blogland (Without Really Trying)

I do not do memes.

Let me repeat, I do NOT do memes. However, one of my very favorite people (and fellow blogger)
Mary at Resident Alien tagged me with this meme, so I find I can't help myself. She flattered me as well, telling me she was hoping to prod me into posting more adventures. What she doesn't realize is that posting this relieves some of the guilt and pressure I was feeling to post, so now I can relax for a few days! HA!

Roolz 4 R33ly Gr8 Blogging:

  1. Use L33T-speak whenever possible (see above). Everyone will then realize you are uber-cool and not just a bored, middle-aged military wife.
  2. When you really want to emphasize something, make each word its Own. Fragmentary. Sentence. For example: "I may not post often, but I think about posting All. The. Time."
  3. White text on a black background shows that you are uber-hip, and also that you are very serious about writing just for yourself. Your audience will feel special if they think you are blogging for Serious Reasons, not just for popularity. This -- despite the headaches caused by trying to read the tiny white letters on the heavy black background -- should make you more popular which is, after all, the reason you blog in the first place!
  4. Use as many acronyms as pseduonyms as possible. Readers love to feel "in the know" as they read your blog, smug in the knowledge that they are part of the priviledged few who've been around long enough to know that LexHBBS is actually "Loser Ex-Husband's Bitchy Boss' Secretary." This technique has the added benefit of forcing new readers to sift through your archives, trying to decipher your current posts.
  5. Fill your blogroll with the coolest of the cool, as if they were all close personal friends. Forget your real friends -- no one knows who they are! If your blogroll doesn't start with Dooce, Amalah and Perez Hilton, you're a loser. (Edited to add: I don't hate these A-listers. I enjoy reading Amalah occasionally, though I'm not much of a Dooce fan. I'm just speaking to the practice of filling one's blogroll with ONLY A-list bloggers, as if you never read any other blogs, or as if you are trying to prove you are one of them by association.)
  6. Never write long blog posts. Only nerds and mouthbreathing eggheads want to read actual text in the first place, so you can rest assured that no one wants to make the effort to read more than a paragraph or two. But post every day, even if you have nothing to say except whining about how unfair life is (to you, of course) or describing your child's gastrointestinal processes in graphic detail.
  7. Beg for comments. Whine for comments. Plead for comments. After all, comments are how you know if you are popular. But...if anyone ever leaves you less than absolute and fawning praise in a comment, take big offense and ensure that your next post is a snarky and sarcastic diatribe against the offender.
There, with tongue firmly in cheek. How's that, Mary? Actually, I had fun! I tag...umm...Liz and Lori.


    Mary Witzl said...

    Carolie, this is just wonderful -- I laughed myself silly!

    I've spent some time puzzling over cryptic references like LexHBBS, so that comment appealed to me no end. And my blog postings tend to go on and on, so I am heartened to know that there are actually people like me who are perfectly okay with that. And now I know that I'm not the only one out there who sees white letters on a black background and immediately senses a headache coming on...

    This is a lot more fun than playground tagging ever was!

    Carolie said...

    Thank you, Mary! I actually am now afraid I'll offend friends who have Dooce and Amalah in their blogrolls...I was only snarking about those who ONLY have the Dooces and Amalahs in their blogrolls, and no one else.

    Mary Witzl said...

    I've been out of the States so long I don't know who Dooce and Amalah are. Embarrassing, isn't it? I only found out who Paris Hilton was three or four months ago...

    Namito said...

    This. Was. So. Cool.

    Mary...I'm IN the States and I barely know who Amalah is.

    Carolie said...

    Mary and RtC, don't worry! I only know who Dooce and Amalah are from clicking on the blogrolls of others (actually, both are decent writers, and extreeeeemly popular, but both are also writers of the school of "I'm in my late twenties and cooler than cool, and suddenly find myself with a child...I will alternate between impressing you with my coolness, how much wine I can drink and how cutely I can use the F-word, and giving you Mommy advice (and skin-care advice in Amalah's case, as she also has an Advice Smack-Down blog)."

    Dooce has actually become a new word in the popular lexicon, as she blogged very publicly about being fired from her job when they discovered she was blogging ABOUT folks at work DURING work. Now, to get caught blogging about colleagues and/or caught blogging at work and to be fired for such actions, is known as being "Dooced."

    Perez Hilton is actually an extremely snarky celebrity news blog...his name, of course, being a take-off on the name of that celebrity-for-no-other-reason-than-obscene-wealth little blonde heiress with the drugged out, used-up glazed expression and the pitiful little accessory dog.

    Again, Mary, you are too kind with your compliments and multiple visits to my blog. And RtC, I'm so glad to see you back from Maine. GREAT new photos of the Impling on your blog!

    the planet of janet said...

    i came here from damomma ... and i am still laughing myself sick.

    this was guh-reat.

    Carolie said...

    Thank you for stopping by, Janet, and thank you for the kind words! Glad I could bring some laughter to your day. Come visit again!

    Ei said...

    Thank you for being someone else who thinks um...that...about those bloggers. See I'm too nice to even say it. I roll my eyes at Dooce every damn time I hear her mentioned though.

    Would you be my friend? I mean in a cool, you are on my blogroll kind of way? ;)

    Carolie said...

    Ei, thank you for stopping by, and for the kind words! AS for the friend thing, you've been my blog-friend since've commented before, I've visited your blog, I see your comments at Liz's place all the time...we're old pals! :) And is that a new profile pic I see? Nice new haircut!

    I am not a Dooce fan particularly, but I don't dislike Amalah, and I do read her blog occasionally. My big issue isn't with people who like or dislike them, it's with the folks who fill their blogrolls with ONLY the A-Listers as opposed to blogs they simply enjoy reading and recommend to others.

    Mir over at Woulda Coulda Shoulda is an A-Lister, but she's on my blogroll because I read everything she posts and enjoy her blog immensely.

    -R- said...

    I cannot read the geek speak at all. I am old. What the hell is L33T?

    Carolie said...

    Thanks for stopping by, R! L33T speak, aka "leet-speak", aka elite-speak is something I barely understand myself, as I'm old, too. It's what geek-types call a specific Internet based shorthand, where one uses numbers for letters and words: "How R U? Hope ur gr8!" and "OMG, d00d!"

    The one that I do like though is "sounds like an I. D. ten T. error to me" said by a geek to a clueless person (like me) with a computer problem. The error being the ID10T operator! Go here for more info.

    Ei said...

    By my ticket, Mir has a list of her own, she doesn't need an A list.

    Dooce annoys me for the exact reasons you said though. The others I haven't touched, I don't know, whatever. I just couldn't figure out why she is so popular. Just happy to have company on that.

    I just finally added you to my blogroll, thats why I asked if you would be my friend. More importantly I remembered to add you to my googlereader so I can read you everyday. Or every, whenever you stop thinking about posting and Just. Do. It. ;)

    Happy Thursday. Or...what day is it there?

    Carolie said...

    Hee hee...thanks for stopping by again, Ei! It's Friday morning here, early.

    The "A-Lister" thing I am referring to is not their position in the ranks of bloggers. Mir and the others are all A-Listers because of their popularity. (And I'm a Mir fan, though not as much as I am a DaMomma fan and a Resident Alien fan!)

    My issue is with folks who put ONLY celebrities in their blogrolls, as if they're good friends, and have no "regular people" and D-listers like me. Ha ha!

    I added you to my blogroll as well...thanks for adding me! And I PROMISE a real post just as soon as I finish a big freelance project (deadline is Tuesday, so look for a post on Wednesday, I hope!)

    mummyjaan said...

    That was funny.

    Ei said...

    Dude, I know what "A List" means. Giggle.

    Carolie said...

    Sorry...I'm relatively sleep-free these days, and semi-delirious. *goofy grin*

    Didn't understand what you said about Mir "having a list of her own" but then again, the brain cells aren't all firing right now! :P

    Mary Witzl said...

    I am here to nudge you about your next post, Carolie! Yours are all the more precious because they are rather rare, but I'd still rather have more!